Searching for a Third Place
Searching for a Third Place
The truth we rarely say out loud: we long to belong. we long to belong. we long to belong.
This summer, I wrote in a previous blog post:
“I’m a big believer of signs. The universe, or whoever you believe is pulling the strings of all us marionettes, will lead us to where we are supposed to be…so long as we notice the signs that are posted along the way to guide us.”
I said it then and I’ll say it again: the key to everything is noticing. This is a recurring theme throughout Julia Cameron’s 12-week program The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, which I completed earlier this year1. In Week 2, she mentions that “survival lies in sanity, and sanity lies in paying attention.” Amen!!!
Week 3 of The Artist’s Way brought forth the idea of synchronicity: the possibility of an intelligent and responsive universe, acting and reacting in our best interests. Perhaps we should lean into this concept that the universe is telling us (sometimes SHOUTING at us) what we need to do.
My friend Jules calls those instances “Cosmic Coincidences.” As for me? I call those moments “Proof We’re Living in a Simulation.” (Perhaps I’ve read too much Philip K. Dick…)
Regardless what you want to call it—Synchronicity, Cosmic Coincidences, Proof We’re Living in a Simulation—those signs from the universe should not be ignored.
To give you an example of synchronicity, I was using my ‘Morning Pages2’ one day in early July to explore my feelings about finding a critique group in Munich. Or rather: lack of critique group. My frustration was very evident on the page, and I finally relented and used the word I’d been avoiding since I moved in May: lonely. I felt lonely. And tired of trying. It had been over two months of me constantly putting myself out there, and I was worried that I was never going to find any group of writers I connected with in this city. I had plans to attend another new writing meetup that night (not a critique group, but a group who met regularly at a cafe to write alongside each other), but I wasn’t sure if I was even up for going.
In the end, I gathered enough energy to go that night. Guess what? I clicked with those people immediately, and now I’m running my own critique group made up of members from that writing meetup.
Proof we’re living in a simulation or what?!?!?!
This brings me to my topic of today’s post: third places.
I heard of this ‘third place’ concept quite a while ago. As mentioned in this article, a third place is a familiar public spot where you regularly connect with others over a shared interest or activity. Sociologist Ray Oldenburg coined the phrase in the early 1990s, as increasing work hours and more isolated communities became the norm. Home was our first place, work was our second place, and people needed a third place to get away from the stresses and burdens of the other two.
So, right. Third places. Made sense, I agreed they were important, I immediately forgot about them and went on with my life.
Until one day recently, when Hayley of
seasonal newsletter landed in my inbox. I smiled at the title, Anne of Green Gables Autumn, and began to read. Hayley and I met in my U.S. writing group back in 2018(ish), founded Dandelion Revolution Press together, have carefully combed through each others’ novels, and have found a kindred spirit in one another. Hayley joined myself and Jules (another kindred spirit!), and the three of us worked our way through The Artist’s Way this summer and fall.In her newsletter, Hayley gave many updates about her life, one being her return to the writing group after a hectic summer kept her away:
“And one place I’ve been happy to return to after a couple of busy months is my writing group. They, and our little gathering every Wednesday in the basement of a church, are my third place.
It didn’t matter that I couldn’t go to weekly meetings for a month and a half, they always welcome me back with open arms. It’s warm greetings and a sacred space where everyone gets you.”
Cue the Cheers theme song: 🎶Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came🎶
Later that week, I re-downloaded Instagram to create some Dandelion Revolution Press social media posts. Almost immediately, I came across this video on third places:
Okay, OKAY, universe. I get it. Maybe it was time for me to learn more about third places.
This write-up on Ray Oldenburg from Project for Public Spaces was an excellent place to start:
“Throughout his work, and particularly in his book Celebrating The Third Place (2000), Oldenburg identifies "third places" as the public places on neutral ground where people can gather and interact. In contrast to first places (home) and second places (work), third places allow people to put aside their concerns and simply enjoy the company and conversation around them. Third places "host the regular, voluntary, informal, and happily anticipated gatherings of individuals beyond the realms of home and work." Oldenburg explains that beer gardens, main streets, pubs, cafés, coffeehouses, post offices, and other third places are the heart of a community's social vitality. Providing the foundation for a functioning democracy, these spaces promote social equity by leveling the status of guests, providing a setting for grassroots politics, creating habits of public association, and offering psychological support to individuals and communities.”
How could you NOT be in love with the concept of third places after reading that?! Project for Public Spaces helps communities “transform their public spaces into vital places that highlight local assets, spur rejuvenation, and serve common needs,” so definitely look more into their website if you want to learn more.
As I reflected more on this topic, I realized beloved sitcoms in the 1980s and 90s almost centered their entire show around a third place! Think the Cheers bar from Cheers, Central Perk coffee shop from Friends, and I’d even argue Eric Foreman’s basement from That ‘70s Show.
Even looking at those pictures fills me with a warm glow inside. I know these sets and these characters so well that these pictures feel like they were my third place, at least for a period of my life.
Which brings me to actual third places in my life.
In the U.S., like Hayley, the pub that we frequented after our weekly writing meeting was my third place. For five whole years, it was a safe haven for me. A place where I could laugh with friends, wear silly balloon hats, take tequila shots on Cinco de Mayo, discuss gaping plot holes and cheap plot twists, throw book launch parties, and create endless memories. And, like Hayley, I know that when my European stint is over, my third place will welcome me back with wide arms and a nice, cold glass of Peroni.
In Manchester, the Central Library was my third place. Anytime I had a free gap in my day, I would head to the library with my laptop, ready to write in the Reading Room, browse through their expansive book collection, sip a cappuccino in the library cafe, explore their special exhibits, and so on. Eventually, my new British writer friends began to join my weekly writing sessions there (which on more than one occasion became a gabbing session over a cup of tea in the cafe). The Central Library was the very first place I went to when I arrived in Manchester, and the place I miss the most even six months after leaving.
And in Munich, my third place is…? Still to be determined.
And maybe that’s the whole point. The universe has practically smacked me across the face with the importance of third places. Now that I know the significance of them, and the role they’ve had in helping me connect with certain cities and people, I know I need to put more effort into finding my third place here.
Like in Cheers, sometimes I want to go where everybody knows my name.
AND NOW OF COURSE, I’d love to hear from you. What’s your third place? How did you find it? What makes it special for you? (What I’m really saying is: give me ideas on how to find a third place in Munich!!!!)
I swear a full blog post is coming!!!
One of the things that is essential to the success are Morning Pages—3 pages you hand write every morning, stream-of-consciousness style. Cameron wrote that when people ask, "Why do we do Morning Pages?" she jokes, "To get to the other side." It's supposed to connect us to our creativity, and often it helps clear all the gunk out that gets in the way.
Cue all the happy, grateful tears reading this! I first learned about third places slowly and maybe our post pandemic selves craved community and connection that much more that the vocab of “a third place” was unearthed! After time away I think you realize how necessary a third place truly is. At least that was definitely the case for me and now I know that I need them! Wednesday are dedicated me time—socializing as self care haha. My third place while abroad was a Zumba class! Even if it wasn’t a third space full of writers it was warm and welcoming. So I guess my advice is to try a bunch of places?! And then soon enough you might fall into a pattern and you’ll start running into people you know and soon enough you’ll be gabbing about life.
Love this topic! I am a frequent haunter of third places, and now that I think about it, there's one thing in common: I choose my third places based on where a close friend works. A pub, a coffeeshop, a pizzeria, a bakery, a bookshop, a library. I'll bring a book or a project, chat with my friend and other customers, and enjoy whatever that particular place has to offer, whether it's a latte, a beer, food, or just the ambience. Now that all my friends have boring "grown up" jobs, I sometimes miss those days. Maybe it's my turn to finally live my fantasy life of working at a bookshop, so folks can come visit *me* for a respite from their day to day lives?