The Secret Sauce to Long Distance Friendships
Part brain dump, part visual essay, guten appetit
In this modern age, doesn’t it feel like we’re collecting long distance friends like Pokémon?
For the first eighteen years of my life, I lived in one town, surrounded by the same people day in and day out. Then I proceeded to do the complete opposite for the following decade.
I bounced between five different places, meeting interesting people wherever I went.
There is, unsurprisingly, a significant amount of effort that goes into maintaining these friendships after I move away. But it’s effort that I’m willing—even happy—to give.
For as long as I remember, I, probably like you, have been exploring what I believe the whole point of this *gestures vaguely* thing called life is.1 I’ve come to the conclusion that for me, it’s to meet and connect and love and support as many people as possible. It is, quite simply, community. So to keep that community alive with people I’ve had a real, genuine connection with after moving away requires effort, but it is never wasted effort.
I have an uncomfortable truth: being a good friend sometimes means being inconvenienced.
But there is power in being inconvenienced! When we have to work harder for something, we develop a stronger belief about its value in our life. Inconvenience requires us to slow down, reflect on what truly matters, pay attention, and engage with our imagination and intention. (One day I’ll write a post related to convenience culture and the power of inconvenience, but today is not that day.)
Being a good friend—long distance or not—means being inconvenienced. It requires keeping plans on days after you’ve had a really rough time at work and feel like you have no energy left to give2; it requires shifting your day around to make sure you have time for that pre-scheduled video call with a cherished childhood friend; it requires dropping everything when a friend who is going through a breakup gives you a call out of the blue.
Modern technology catches a bad rep these days, and I’ll be first to admit that I tend to focus on the negatives rather than the positives, too. But!!! I feel so. freaking. fortunate. to have access to so many tools that make keeping in contact with long distance friends easier.
So, sit down and relax as I whip up for you my delicious Besties Burger.
Wait, you ordered the Long Distance Besties Burger? Oh, well then we are missing the most important ingredient—our secret sauce!
In my decade of collecting long-distance friendships, finding the right medium is my personal secret sauce. You may feel differently, in which case, I invite you to drop your recipe below! (Am I going too far with this random burger metaphor?)
Here are some fun and unique ways I keep my long-distance friendships alive:
1. Sisterhood of the Traveling Journals
In 2016, at 22 years old, I began sending journals back and forth with my two friends.3
Navigating your 20s is hard, and these journals captured it all: landing first jobs, quitting first jobs, romantic relationships, creating art, hating our art, mental health struggles, moving apartments, moving abroad, making new friends in adulthood, going to grad school, surviving a pandemic, getting engaged, getting married, raising children (!!).
These journals allow me to process my thoughts, and they allow my two friends to process along with me. Vulnerability is encouraged, because it connects us. I read their entries and don’t feel so alone. I hope they read mine and feel the same.
2. Snail Mail 🐌💌
If someone asked me to write a list of my favorite things, opening up my mailbox and seeing a surprise handwritten letter from a friend is the at the tippy top!!
Like the journals, handwritten letters4 allow me to slow down, zoom out, and process my life in a very different way. I explore topics I normally wouldn’t explore when my fingertips are gliding across the keyboard in a frenzied pace.
Plus, in today’s parasocial world where we are broadcasting every small thing about our life to a large audience, there’s something special, something incredibly intimate, about opening a letter meant only for you.
3. Long Distance Dinner Date Club (aka virtual dinners)
With some friends, I can keep in contact through texting and group chats with little to no effort. However, I can go months (or even a year!) without talking to them face-to-face.
While pondering this thought on the tram the other day, a fun solution popped into my head. So I sent out a proposition to some of these chats:
Friends! May I float this idea by you?
What do you think of a Long Distance Dinner Date Club? Basically every other month, we pick a date and a recipe, make it on our own, then meet over video call to chat and enjoy together?
And you know what? Everyone responded positively! The idea is to keep it very casual—if you can come, you can come. If not, catch us at the next virtual dinner.
So far, so good! I’ve done two and have a few more scheduled on the calendar. It’s so nice to see faces of people I love and chat about everything and nothing. I also enjoy the added bonus of experimenting with new recipes.
4. Body Doubling
Recently, I heard about the concept of body doubling. Body doubling refers to the practice of performing a task in the presence of another person to enhance your motivation, focus, and efficiency. I’ve always loved doing work alongside others, long before I knew there was a word for it! (It’s also helpful for me to realize why the three months I spent working at home during COVID were SO difficult for me!)
So, along came the idea of coupling body doubling and connecting with long-distance friends at the same time.
I use Discord to write once a week with some writers from my US writing group. It’s very casual: we join on the voice channel so we can chat, but normally don’t turn on our cameras. Not only do I get to catch up and hear how they’re doing or what project they’re working on, I also get to work on my fantasy novel or a blog post for all of you.
5. Marco Polo / Small p podcasting
Marco Polo is a video app that allows you to send videos to individuals (or groups) without having to be online at the same time. I remember sending one to my cousin Megan in Kentucky as I was packing up my US apartment, merely days away from embarking on my European adventure. She took the bait, and we’ve been sending long, convoluted videos to each other for 19 months now. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I was unable to make it home for Thanksgiving this past year, and she told me (through one of her Marco Polos, naturally) that one of our uncles was asking her about it. “Can you really call that having a conversation with one another?” he mused.
But here’s the thing: Megan and I used to send even longer, more convoluted emails to each other in middle school. (They did include a Table of Contents and each paragraph was a different color.) We would send it off and generally wait a week or so until the other responded. No one would ever tell me that emailing back and forth with someone isn’t having a conversation with them, so I view Marco Polo as the same thing—except with this medium, I get to join her on her commute to work, watch her cook dinner, take her on a walk with me, etc.
And at the end of the day, I feel like I know the ins and outs of her everyday life through Marco Polo so much more than if we just casually texted here and there or only saw each other during the holidays. I came across this post “Small p podcasting” by
and it clicked: this is why Marco Polo’ing is so fun for my cousin and me! It is ‘small p podcasting’!
6. Texting and Group Chats
Tried and true. But for some friends, this really works. If it ain’t broke, don’t fit it. Just, please try not to be a “lurker.”5
If you think I’m lowkey insane for engaging in all these mediums, that’s totally fair. But I like my burgers saucy, what can I say?
If you have any new, interesting, or creative ways that you keep in touch with your Long Distance Besties, I’d love to hear ‘em below! Thanks for reading. xoxo
I’d actually love to hear what others think. What’s your conclusion to this question?!
I’d actually argue that in this moment, you need time with your friends more than ever. Sure, you can cancel plans after a hard day at work and lie in your bed doom-scrolling, but would that really make you feel better than ordering beers with friends and ranting to them about your high strung boss or entitled customer??? Friendships are here to help us bear the brunt of these hard days. I wish more people would lean into that idea.
And the occasional typewritten letter!
I do a newsletter with 3 groups of friends (high school besties, college besties and an OG bestie). I do it through Letterloop and there's a bank of really meaningful and cute questions to choose from. It's been such a wholesome way to stay in touch :)
YOU are the secret sauce to friendship! But I love the idea that sometimes we have to be inconvenienced to be a good friend. Most of the time when I make myself get out there and be social I end up being so grateful for the chance to be with friends. Another splendid and thoughtful piece!